Mourning - Answering the Question "How Are You?"

Four deaths in consolidation loan stafford student row changed me. Though I have learned to live with multiple losses, they will always be part of my life. Charles M. Meyer, MD, editor in chief of "Minnesota Medicine," makes that point in his editorial, "Living With Loss," published in the October 2006 issue of the journal. When meridia diet pill think grief is gone, Meyer observes, it rises like a phoenix from the ashes and captures you.

"It [grief] never quite leaves you alone."

There is something else that doesn't leave you alone and it is the question "How are you?" If you are grieving you know that. You can't answer the question in the early stages of grief. Answering the question takes time. Judith R. Bernstein, PhD discusses time in her book, "When a Bough Breaks: Forever After the Death of a Son or Daughter."

"Just as you can't teach a child to walk before his muscles are ready," she writes, "you can't force the mending to proceed before the mourner is ready." I couldn't agree with her more.

On one level, I am not ready to mend. Life isn't the same without my daughter, father-in-law, brother, and former son-in-law. On another level, I know I am healing. But I may never heal from the careless things people have said to me. The worst comment came from a store employee.

My daughter had ordered merchandise from the store. I went there, cancelled the order, and cited her death from the injuries she received in a car crash as the reason. The employee started to enter data into the machine, stopped suddenly, turned to me and blurted. "It must have been a violent death, huh?" He looked at me expectantly and waited for the gory details. His comment hit me with the force of a sledge hammer.

Bob Deits discusses the careless things people say in his book, "Life After Loss: A Practical Guide to Renewing Your Life After Experiencing Major Loss." He thinks people want to hear only one answer to the question, "How are you?" As Deits explains, "You will discover very quickly that the only acceptable answer is 'fine,' regardless of how miserable you are feeling at the moment."

So in self-defense I came up with a list of answers to "How are You?" There are five of them and you may find them helpful.

1. FINE. I used that reply often in the early stages of grief. Sure, I wanted to say I felt awful, but I didn't, I said "fine." Besides, "fine" made it simple for people to bypass an uncomfortable conversation about death, grief, and mourning.

2. OKAY. that is a one-word-fits-all-situations answer. When I said "okay" the questioner looked relieved. I thought okay" was a pretty good answer because it sounded like I was holding my own.

3. GETTING ALONG. I used that reply in the middle stage of grief. The word "along" implies progress and that encouraged the questioner and me. In truth, I am making progress and moving forward with life.

4. I'M COPING. Only true friends hear that answer because it leads to in-depth conversation. I have shared thoughts with people I hardly know, but prefer to share them with close friends. My friends know me well enough to provide feedback.

5. I'M GOOD. that is my current reply. "Your voice sounds so much better," a friend commented. She is right. I sound quick quote car insurance look better, and feel better. Indeed, I'm living a new life.

Four deaths in nine months created a mountain of grief work. I have climbed that mountain. Though I have Oregon Lemon Laws grief work to do, I have crossed the boundary between sorrow and joy, and each day is brighter. Now I don't mind if anyone asks, "How are you?" I answer, smile, and go on my way.

Copyright 2008 by Harriet Hodgson

www.harriethodgson.comwww.harriethodgson.com

Harriet Hodgson has been a freelance non-fiction creator for consolidate school loans years. She is a member of the Association of Health Care Journalists and the Association for Death Education and Counseling. Her 24th book, "Smiling Through Your Tears: Anticipating Grief," written with Lois Krahn, MD, is available from www.amazon.comwww.amazon.com. A five-star review of the book is posted on Amazon. You will find other reviews on the American Hospice Foundation Web site and the Health Ministries Association Web site.

Please visit Harriet Hodgson's Web site and learn more about that busy author and grandmother.